The Army survival manual talks a lot about fear.
I was afraid of everything and everyone, including myself. It’s no wonder I was so sick. I was sick physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, financially and intellectually. I was stuck. When I came back from Ft. Jackson, I was terrified of everything and everyone.
I had no self-confidence and I had no will to really live. I was simply surviving. I did it with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and the wrong people in my life. I told myself whatever I had to, just in order to survive and not go insane, although I think denial of the horrible people in my life and the things they’d done to hurt me in the past and at that time, was what actually did make me a little insane.
Things have changed drastically since I lost my home, got deathly ill, changed locations constantly, quit taking medications, and decided to change my mind.
I thank God all this happen, because everything that has happened to try to deter me from my goals, the joyful life the Lord wants me to lead, and helping others, has actually done the opposite. It showed me who I REALLY AM! (Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.) It also showed me who others are.
Every day, it’s an FTX (field training exercise). I cannot go in blindly, but when the time to implement my training comes in I can’t be fearful, I cannot think, or be emotional, I must jump in and do it! I have to help. I have to do whatever I can do in the moment to help others. The world is a catastrophe and I thank God He chose me. Whereas before I was terrified I couldn’t do it, I realize now, that He chose the right one, simply because I am willing! Many are unwilling because they’re insecure, lack confidence, or are selfish, or greedy or whatever excuse they have. I have no excuses anymore! I am empowered to serve! Praise God for every single day I am here to do His work! I love people, and I believe in them. I am finally seeing some good I am doing but that’s because of what Christ has done in me these past two years! Thank you Jesus for putting more love in my heart for myself and the people of the world!
To be continued later today…Thanks for reading my loves! xooxox